I have recently seen this question pop up in the online men-wearing-skirts community and so I thought it would be a great topic to address. It understandably upsets a lot of men who casually wear skirts, dresses, and other gender-non-conforming clothes since not everyone does it just for a sexual thrill.
So why is there the perception amongst the uninformed that men are just doing it for their own sexual pleasure?
Why do people think men are only doing it for a sexual thrill?
This is a surprisingly difficult question to answer. The reasons why people have prejudices against other groups of people are extremely diverse and elusive. There are as many reasons for people to think this way as there are reasons for men to wear skirts.
However, if you look closely, you can identify trends which is what I am going to write about here.
Gender = Sex
What I mean by sex in this case is not biological sex, but rather the act. I have heard from a lot of people who have not engaged with the topic of gender that they tend to associate it with the act of sex. I can only assume this is because they automatically think of the gender(s) they are attracted to.
Since men wearing skirts is a topic that is very closely associated with gender, people, therefore, tend to sexualize it as soon as they are confronted with it. This especially seems to be the case with anyone who is attracted to a traditionally feminine appearance.
When, for example, a heterosexual man sees a person in a skirt, he may feel a certain sexual attraction towards the wearer since that person is wearing traditionally feminine clothing. However, when he sees a man wearing a skirt, he may try to deflect that attraction by projecting the sexualization of it onto the other man wearing the skirt. In this example, homophobia plays a role, but more on that later.
A similar example of this sort of deflection can be found when you look at cases of men who have molested women and then blamed them because they wore provocative clothing.
Generalization, Ignorance and Dismissiveness
I’ve lumped these three words into a single section because they are related in this context. Those who dismiss the topic are ignorant of it and will generalize it so that they can feel like they understand it without ever having to engage with it.
Most people prefer to live their lives comfortably and as soon as something brings them out of their comfort zone, they will automatically dismiss it. For the most part, their comfort zone will have been heavily influenced by the society around them. Since it is not yet normal at a societal level for men to wear skirts, they are pushed into uncharted territory that makes them uncomfortable when they are confronted with it.
However, instead of engaging with this oddity, they would rather stick their heads in the sand (or elsewhere) and dismiss it outright so that it goes away as soon as possible. In order to do that though, they need to be able to somehow fit what they’ve encountered into their preexisting worldviews.
So, they generalize. They automatically associate men wearing skirts with gender and thus with the act of sex. That means to them, the man wearing a skirt must be doing it for a sexual thrill. With this logic, they can neatly and dismissively stuff the whole encounter into the bucket of “weird sexual things”, which does exist in most people’s worldviews, and move on.
In this case, the old saying “ignorance is bliss” fits rather well.
The Trend of Sexualizing Anything That Isn’t “Normal”
The trend of sexualizing anything that deviates from the norm is not just a phenomenon that occurs with men wearing gender-non-conforming clothing. It seems to be something that is frequently done to explain away any behavior considered odd by society.
“Think of the kids!” is the rallying call of a lot of politicians when they want to ban something. In the past couple of years, this “something” has usually been related to gender or sexual orientation, especially in conservative areas.
These politicians claim to want to protect kids from these “overtly sexual” issues. But how did gender and sexual orientation become so sexualized to begin with?
It isn’t the majority of people who are affected by these bans who are doing the sexualizing. It is the politicians and their supporters who are using it as a weapon against what they consider to be deviant behavior.
By sexualizing it, they can convince large numbers of people that it belongs in the “weird sexual things” bucket. Since these people seem to (publicly) be against any devious sexual behavior, they will support this view as well as a ban.
Bans are just one example of how sexualizing “deviant” behavior can be used to trivialize a topic that you are afraid of.
Fear
When people are pushed outside of their comfort zone, they will react in different ways. Some will certainly be intrigued, but others will react aggressively out of fear. People are generally afraid of change and of being confronted with the unknown. Men wearing skirts is a big change for them.
By sexualizing it, they can contextualize it within their preconceived notion of the world which helps alleviate the fear. It also trivializes it and makes it easy to dismiss.
Homophobia
Of course, as mentioned above, homophobia also plays a role. Boys are taught from a young age that being gay or feminine in any way is the worst thing that you can be. There is a certain fear of it that is sometimes literally beaten into them in the schoolyard.
While that might slowly be changing in the younger generations, it is still very much so prevalent in the majority of the adult population who is incapable of thinking outside of the box they were forced into.
Men wearing traditionally feminine attire has long been associated with homosexuality. Just look at the example of Philippe I, Duke of Orléans (1640-1701) who was King Louis XIV’s younger brother. It was well-known that he had male lovers and he frequently attended official court events dressed in feminine attire.
By associating men in skirts with homosexuality, people frequently assume that the men wearing them are gay. They are incapable of realizing that some are and some aren’t — exactly like men wearing jeans or any other traditionally masculine clothes — and that a person’s fashion choices don’t necessarily reflect their sexual orientation.
Skirt-Wearing Men Who Do Sexualize It
Combing through social media sites like Instagram, you can see a number of men who do, indeed, sexualize dressing in gender-non-conforming clothes. They post pictures and videos of themselves wearing provocative feminine attire and lingerie that are immediately associated with the act of sex. Sometimes they even perform sexual acts while wearing these clothes.
I am of the opinion that they should be able to do it, write about it, post about it on social media, or whatever it is that they want to do. That is their right just as it’s other men’s right to wear gender-non-conforming clothes for non-sexual reasons.
The problem isn’t with the men who are doing it for a sexual thrill. They are just doing what they enjoy, and they should be allowed to do so freely.
The problem is with the people who, as I mentioned above, generalize and just toss people who live differently together into the same barrel without accepting that there is a lot of diversity within that group. Or, indeed, that this “group” might actually consist of multiple groups. They don’t want to engage with the topic and only want to dismiss it without a thought because they are not comfortable with it.
What can we do to change their attitudes?
Unfortunately, there really isn’t a whole lot we can do. People are going to judge and categorize us based on our preferences and the more they deviate from the “norm”, the harsher the judgments will be.
That said, our best weapon against this stigma is exposure. The more people see men in skirts and other gender-non-conforming clothing, the more normal it will become. People may still not fully accept it or even engage with the topic, but the more widespread it becomes, the less likely they will be to sexualize it.
Instead, the goal is really to make it seen for what it is: a personal fashion choice. It might stay a more niche fashion choice and that is fine. There are niche styles that have become more accepted over the years such as gothic fashion and that should be what we strive for.
If we manage that, the sexualization of it will automatically dissipate.
Conclusion
The more I worked on this article, the stronger my emotional reaction to the subject matter became. I was surprised to find how frustrated it made me. Again, it isn’t about the men who do dress up for a sexual thrill. I have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever.
What gets me is the ignorant reaction of a lot of people who just simply want to dismiss the topic outright without ever actually engaging with it. You could call it a “head in the sand” reaction. If they close their eyes and ears and wait long enough, then maybe it will just go away.
The problem is that this reaction doesn’t work. It just exposes their ignorance and closed-mindedness. We won’t go away, and the number of men wearing gender-non-conforming clothes just continues to grow around the world — no matter the reason.
So, let’s continue to get louder and more visible and make it even more difficult for them to stay in their comfortable ignorance! Let’s get rid of this stigma imposed upon us by making our choice of fashion more prevalent and less unusual.
The only way to do that is to get out there and wear the clothes you like, regardless of what gender society associates them with.
I am looking forward to the discussion on this topic! Did I miss any points you think are relevant? Let me know your thoughts about it in the comments below!
In fact, at the very beginning, 20 years ago, when I started wearing skirts and tights, there was a lot of sexual attraction. I often used tights instead of men’s long johns. That just felt much more comfortable. On warm days I wondered why women are allowed to show their legs but men wear long pants to hide their legs. So I started wearing skirts outside more often. Sexual appeal became less important than the way I could combine skirts and tights and adapt to weather conditions. For many years I have found trousers for men simply boring. Skirts and dresses come in different fabrics, colors, patterns, cuts and lengths. I just enjoy choosing my clothes based on these criteria and having a much wider selection than if I just wore pants.
I suspect that a lot men start off with sexual attraction to it since skirts, lingerie, etc generally make them think of women. Of course for men who aren’t attracted to women, it could mean something entirely different, but they would have to chime in on that one since I can’t really say and don’t want to speak for them. It would interest me though.
For me it isn’t sexual, it may be for some men and that is their prerogative. Now that being said I know some woman that find men in skirts sexy. Case in point a couple months ago I went for some acupuncture for a back issue. The woman that was doing the acupuncture said that she found men in skirts or kilts sexy. Now whether she was just saying that to try to make me feel comfortable who knows. But I think that she was sincere. I sometimes feel sexy depending on which skirt I am wearing, but 99% of the time it’s just another day in my clothing, that just happens to be a skirt or a dress. So whatever the reason that you are wearing a skirts, dresses or whatever non-conforming clothing you are wearing, keep it so it becomes more excepted. But for now I do enjoy being different in my clothing choices.
True! I have run into women who find it attractive as well. That is a different kind of sexual though since it is external rather than internal and by that, I mean that the wearer isn’t experiencing a sexual thrill directly because of the skirt, but perhaps because of the attraction to it by another person.
This is a tricky one! We are all sexual beings, and our appearance is a key element of that sexual nature. How we dress, of course, affects that appearance.
Now, I know you mean more that that by citing a sexual ‘thrill’ but there is a full spectrum between those with no interest in attraction or their appearance and those with a sexual obsession that drives their choice of dress. Most of us, I think, get up in the morning and choose our clothing to look good (which includes being attractive) while doing whatever we have to do, be it office work, retail, construction, or whatever.
I usually choose a shirt-and-skirt combo, because I think I look good in that (better than pants), it feels good and works for most activities, and it’s fun to put together such an outfit. That my wife compliments me when I appear is just a cherry on top. Is that a sexual thrill? Well, kinda yeah, but she also compliments a sharp pants-and-dinner-jacket outfit like I wore to a holiday party recently. So, for me, having a broader range of clothing styles is tied to attractiveness, but is not a fetish or obsession. And maybe that’s the difference in the unfortunate assumption you discuss, Alex. The issue is driven by people for whom clothing style is just a default defined by others and who can’t imagine a wider, less constrained set of options for themselves or others. I agree the solution is just time and exposure to real people unlike themselves who are also just relatable people (much like the way through racism or homophobia) C’est la vie!
That is certainly true. Being sexual beings, almost everything we do can be interpreted as being sexual in one way or another. Dressing can certainly be a sexual act regardless of what you put on since most people will dress to look good or be attractive. That said, you might define it as being more sensual than sexual in most cases since the goal of daily dressing is not necessarily to seduce a partner, but rather just to make yourself attractive to her/him.
The issue I’m trying to address is the accusation that a lot of people have made saying that any man that dresses in a skirt, heels, dress or whatever is doing it because it is a fetish. Perhaps I should have made that a bit clearer. There are certainly men who do that and there is nothing wrong with it. My problem is rather with the people who generalize and accuse every man who does it of doing it just for that thrill.
I think that first reason is probably the most relevant one – males feel so guilty and ashamed (inside and outside) to think that they looked at “back” of somebody wearing skirt – they liked “too much” what they see – to figure out in a moment it’s another male. I’ve seen such reactions live and not by looking at me, however I’m really convinced towards this reason. And so to avoid something like this happening, it’s easier to “stigmatize” men who do this with negative phrases (or physical violence) and reduce chance of encountering such “accident” again.
About ignorance, well, this way of thinking can lead to treat men in skirts as some guys with “mental disease” or just be considered immature freaks. Not a wonder though, why Maslow put “sex as an act” in the 1st level of his hierarchy of needs schema – maybe people are just too “hungry” for it? Maybe we live in a “sexualized world”? Or maybe it’s actually other way around and religion-driven ideas are followed more strictly than before? As I didn’t live in 80s or 90s, I can only trust videos and photos, but even checking the trends in music – I have particular one in my mind, known as glam rock / glam metal – indicates that there was way more stuff happening (and being “trendy”) around men doing claimed-to-be-feminine things. And yes I know, it’s “artistic stuff” with more space to do unusual things, but sometimes people pick this up.
And regarding this whole “sexualization” phrase, I also often ask myself about various clothes I could wear. Are “fishnets” being too provocative to wear? What actually defines this “provocation”? These look good and intriguing, but is there any benefit of wearing fishnets against normal tights? Same about over-the-knee socks that combined with mini skirt give this little, but visible part of bare thigh; however if you’re a football player, you very likely have to wear such over-the-knee socks – do we hear any complaints about it? Never heard a single one.
I’m sure shame plays a huge role in it. I can imagine that a lot of heterosexual men would place the blame of feeling attraction to another man in a skirt on that other man so as not to blame themselves. In reality, they were just attracted to an item they associate with women.
As far as “artistic stuff” goes and it often being gender-bending, I suspect that a lot of that comes from a real desire to do it in real life, but not having or feeling like they have the freedom to do so. By using “art” as an excuse, they can express themselves in anyway they want within that context and other people will accept it since they can compartmentalize it and file it away in a way that makes sense to them. Essentially, it’s a safe space, whether real or just felt by the artists. I think the whole drag queen scene is a very good example of that.
What you say about the socks is also true, but again, they are doing it within the context of the sport. They probably don’t wear them on a day-to-day basis. While the clothes themselves are entirely innocent, combining over-the-knee socks with a mini skirt or wearing fishnets provokes a preconceived image in most people’s minds of something highly sexual. That is why it’s so frowned upon to wear something like that out in public, for example.
This is a wonderful post, thank you for writing it. A member of my forum (https://forums.delphiforums.com/mensskirts) posted about it and like you, I became emotional in my response because no one wants to be mislabeled. You write well, I wrote my poorly organized rant on my forum.
I believe the biggest problems we have as men who want to wear a skirt as a man is we don’t have a word to label men who want to wear a skirt as a man. So instead, society labels us using the only labels available to them: gay, transvestite or transgender.
I heard someone want to use the word lettuce men. But that just doesn’t really describe much of anything.
There’s always a detractor stating labels are stupid and dehumanizing. They are. But they are still necessary for society. Can you imagine having to describe people from England as “people who reside in the island nation located northwest of Europe but not including the nearby island” instead of using the label “English”?
Labels only suck if they’re used inappropriately
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for the compliment!
Labels are certainly extremely powerful — more so than most people give them credit for, I would say. But the question is then why do we need a specific label? Why can’t we just be men just like when we wear jeans? That is what we need to work on achieving in my opinion. I get your point about needing labels for things, but we also don’t need too many. We don’t have a specific one for men wearing jeans or slacks or a button-down shirt or t-shirt, so why do we need one for skirts?
Just my thoughts on it though 😉
And yes, labels do suck if used inappropriately. That is one of the biggest fights the trans community deals with on a daily basis.